Ready to see if you qualify for more Parenting Olympic Events??
Ninja Indulgence Skills
You’ve been craving that sea salt caramel dark chocolate candy bar for weeks and finally, finally you’ve broken down and bought one. Let’s face it, at this point, there is no way you’re going to share no matter how much you love your adorable rugrats.
How sneaky were you in eating that candy bar?
Beginner level – Eating it after the kids are in bed.
Intermediate level – Eating it in the closet or bathroom with the door locked.
Advanced level – Taking sneaky bites when the kids leave the room.
Ninja level – Eating it in full view of the children and managing to act and speak normally.
Clipping Toddler Nails
Clipping baby and toddler’s nails is one of the most hazardous occupations as a parent. Not only are you in danger of flailing limbs and razor sharp teeth, but your neighbors might call the cops because it sounds like someone is being delimbed while still alive. Clip them while the baby’s asleep? Pfffft. Good one, tell me another! Instead, you must cultivate the skills of a bomb squad tech diffusing a bomb while riding the Texas Tornado.
Do you have what it takes to be a Nail Clipping Olympiad?
Alone Time In The Bathroom
Having three girls and a baby means I rarely get to go to the bathroom by myself. Even when I do lock the door, they’ve figured out how to unlock so they can let the baby in. What they don’t understand, no matter how many times I tell them, is that I’m hiding from him in there and just want to pee in peace!!!
Also, my husband frequently travels for work, so if I don’t time having the flu just right, I may end up trying to take care of four kids by myself while trying not to throw up on the rug. Just kidding. I let them watch movies all day and eat hot dogs for breakfast, lunch, and supper like any other sane human being would do.
So, for this event, how good are you at remembering to lock the door? Automatic gold medal if you’ve ever puked with an audience.
Checkout Line Hostage Negotiations
Ah, the checkout line. You have two options, the self-checkout and the regular checkout. Either way, you’ll be entering into some kind of hostage negotiation.
You’ll be judged on how well you keep your cool, whether or not you have to resort to an outrageous bribe, and if you manage to leave the store with your sanity intact.
You enter the room with purpose, turn on the light, and… can’t remember. Why are you here in the first place?? What was so important that you had to go in there??
Do you know where they all are? Organization is key when it comes to Mommy Brain, so finalists must have a system and a spot for everything.
Children have what’s known as selective hearing and a selective memory. They ask a question, only hear the answer the third time, and conveniently forget what you just told them about not throwing balls in the house five minutes ago. All of this can bring a parent up to the boiling point so that they begin to use what’s known as the Motivational Speaking Voice For The Selective Hearing.
This is truly a patience test, so how many times a day do you have to resort to this method? How many times do you have to repeat yourself? How, uh, motivational do you have to be before your children actually hear what you’re saying? This event is like golf, so the lower your score, the better.
Are The Kids Alive At The End Of The Day?
Gold medal for you and I have no idea what you’re worrying about.