Parenthood comes with some really great, heart popping moments. Staring into your newborn infant’s eyes for the first time. Baby’s first steps, then first words. The first time your five-year-old actually makes a really funny joke and you wonder if you have a comedienne on your hands. Your Big Kid turning around and saying, “I love you, Mom!” before running off to join her friends on the playground.
Then there’s the tear-your-hair-out times that make you question your sanity and wonder if you’re a Candidate for the Padded Hospital and feel like you’re alone in all this craziness.
No, my friend, you are not. To prove that point, here’s a little list I made up of the most common ways to drive a parent into an early grave. Or to counting flowers on the wall.
Have a Teething Baby
Parenthood basically guarantees coming in contact with the fussy unreasonableness that is a teething baby. If you’ve ever been bothered by your wisdom teeth or had an abscessed tooth, you can sympathize with the poor buggers. Being able to sympathize does not exempt you from becoming a frazzled nerve ending, ready to lash out at your Life’s Companion for innocently wondering what could be wrong with the poor child.
“LOOK AT HER!!!!” You, uh, scream whisper (not that I have ever done this…), pointing at the poor little innocent tyrant with her fingers in her mouth, drool everywhere, and flushed face. “WHAT DO YOU THINK IS WRONG WITH HER?!?” And then you spend the next week trying to make up for being a donkey’s behind in a moment of extreme frustration.
Clean House While You Still Have Young Children
Nothing is guaranteed to drive even the slightlest of the slighty organized person more crazy than trying to clean with young children still in the house. I don’t consider myself a neatfreak, but I do like things to be somewhat organized or to at least have a system. Children are NOT organized and the only system they have is one of mass destruction.
I think they get together and plan it out, “Okay, you follow her to the laundry basket. If she’s folding clothes, take a folded one out, unfold it, crumple it into a ball, and put it back. If she’s loading it into the washer, insist on helping her and then throw ALL the colors in on one side. I will get as many writing utensils, but mostly pens, as I can find and write on as many pieces of paper as I can find and tattoo myself because we have a Big Event tomorrow. I’m also going to get the kitchen scissors (because she told us not to use them) and cut the paper into a bajillion pieces and scatter it around the house. When she gets mad, I’ll give her my big puppy dog eyes and tell her I miss winter (even though I hate it) and wanted snow. If that doesn’t work, I’ll tell her they all say ‘I love you, Mommy’ on them.”
Try to go Somewhere on Time With Children
Have an appointed time you need to meet someone? Be sure to add 10 minutes per person to your start time. With 4 kids, you’d better start at least 50 minutes before you need leave! Even then, the baby will want to nurse after the traumatic experience of being put into his carseat for the first time EVER because the last time didn’t count and the next time will be brand new all over again!!!! And the three-year-old still won’t have found her shoes. Then, just when you think you have everybody ready to go and in the car, the six-year-old will insist on going back into the house because she needs to go potty and the eight-year-old will jump out of the car because she absolutely MUST take her American Girl Doll with.
I believe this is how fishermen feel after the Big One got away.
It was right there, I was sooooo CLOSE!!!!
I’ve finally stopped apologizing to people for being late. If it bothers them, I have 3 kids and a teething baby they can tote around to their appointments for the rest of the day.
One lady told me, “We’ve all been there, you just need to make an extra effort.”
I mentally punched her in the nose.
Vacuuming, Sweeping, or *gasp* Mopping The Floor
I dare you. Go on. I’ll wait.
See, what did I tell you. Lasted all of 0.5 seconds, didn’t it?!?
Make Your Kids go to Bed. At The Same Time. Every. Single. Night.
Really, what were you thinking?!? You should have Time Stopping Powers so that there is never a bedtime and the kids can play forever with their favoritest toys that they just found five minutes ago!!!! Never mind the fact that they’ve been bickering and picking at each other with all the infantilism of sports fans of rival teams right up until you told them to get ready for bed. You wouldn’t know they’ve been going to bed at the same time for years by the way they try to negotiate, beg, plead, threaten, and procrastinate their way to a later bedtime.
See, you are not alone. Let us unite in our Misery and promise each other to never judge one’s Frizzy Haired, Unbrushed Teeth, Sweatpants Clad appearance.